it makes me really angry how Claire got American Hardcore for Christmas and how she's all ~punk~ now. like fuck you, bitch, I watched that movie a year before I said anything about it to you, but now punk is "your" thing? yeah okay.

god her taste in music is so pretentious, and then she thinks it's okay to look down on me for my preferences. you know what, yes, I listen to Asian pop and I like it. it makes me feel happy, and god knows I need that.

I honestly feel like my life would be so much better if she had never been born.

goal: lose 2-5" on my waist.

I love how I'm doing this out of some misguided attempt to live up to my little sister.

I really fucking want to wear dresses. I wish I actually looked good in them. it makes me cry to think of how much I hate my body.

my background right now is of SNSD's legs; they're all wearing dresses and heels. I am such a fucking masochist. god. why am I like this, i hate it.

--

honestly i don't even know if i want zach to like me back. i'd rather just have a crush that eventually fades into nothing than to try and fail or fuck it up and I AM WASTING MY ADOLESCENCE. DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THAT WAY? god i want to start over, i wish i genuinely believed in reincarnation because then i'd kill myself and come back as something better. i just. i can't deal with being like this, so incredibly stupid and miserable all the time, i want a pill that will numb me and make me better, i don't want to care anymore

honestly idek why anyone would ever want to date me. i'm so gross and unattractive and not worth it. i'll only ever get anyone who also fits that description, like tim. zach is so fucking far out of my reach. i don't know why i always do this to myself.

so worthless so fucking stupid why are you still here
















you will never be good enough.

i dont want to be alone






but i dont see another option




you don't need my pictures on your wall
you say you need no one
and you don't need my secret midnight call
i guess you need no one

ihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyself I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON

I WILL NEVER BE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.






one of these days i will make a list of everything thats wrong with me

Context - Fool 0: The Fool symbolizes the positive and creative start of something new like a project, trip, job, school, relationship, etc. It can be viewed as a new life path. You are never sure if the new path will be good or bad, but you must follow the Fool and hope for the best! Although it may be difficult to leave your comfort zone, hard work is likely to pay off!

Focus - Devil 15: The Devils card symbolizes some negative place. You are in some sort of uncomfortable situation that you need to free yourself of. It may represent bad habits that need to be dropped such as greed, being blind to truths, etc. It urges a cleansing of the negative karma.

Outcome - Chariot 7: Success is in sight and you have the drive to make it happen. Your Chariot card will take you there. Now obstacles abound but maintain focus and your goal will be in your grasp soon. Be a gracious winner!

i just want someone i can cry in front of

I want to dig my fingernails into my skin and rip.






It's probably a good thing they're too short.

god, I want it. I want there to be no fat at all between skin and muscle and bone. I know the feminism and that it's bullshit and that I am worth more than the nothing that society wants me to be, but I want it. watching the video for this song makes me ache with jealousy.

the only thing holding me back is my utter lack of willpower. I feel like being anorexic will actually make me a stronger person (and I do want anorexia at this point, bulimia just does not produce the same results). I will love myself according to how many of my ribs I can see while standing normally.

I wonder what people would say if they knew. oh well.

note to self: stop eating.

Fuck you.

I know you didn't mean to, but you just completely invalidated my feelings.

The most depressing part is that, really, I'm not changing at all. I could not eat for two weeks straight, and I'd still weigh the same.

It feels good not to eat, though. I mean, it hurts, but I sort of like it. Is that weird? I don't think you're supposed to enjoy this sensation; it's painful for a reason. And how fucked up is it that I consciously make the choice to starve myself when there are too many people who don't have another option? I feel guilty for it...and that just leads to more starvation.

But I don't know. It's still sort of hard for me to care.

I think the reason I fantasize about just slicing out my stomach is that it's easy in my head—it's never bloody, just a clean red curve below my ribs. So much easier than working out or not eating or throwing up.

It's like I said—I wish I had some symptoms; then maybe someone would recognize that there's something wrong. I'd like nothing more than to love myself the way I am right now (and isn't it funny how I totally approve of BBW and the like and am a raging feminist and yet still feel inadequate as a woman), but I really can't do it on my own. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't think anyone would understand.

So alone alone alone...it gets to you after a while.

My lack of symptoms is killing me.

I am so glad I met Rachel. I wish she lived closer (and were younger), she is like the perfect best friend. I seriously want to marry her (on marry_a_ljuser), but I don't think Grace would be up for that....

And I wish Grace were here right now, I just want to hold her and kiss her and make her feel better. My poor beautiful girl. I love her so much, I wish I could prove it to her.

"Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern."

—"Mayakovsky," Frank O'Hara

( if you are uncomfortable with me talking about my body in detail, go awayyyyy )


The sad thing is that, although the 'bad' list is a lot shorter, it affects me a lot more xD